Dear Mediocre Mother,
“I’ve actually been thinking about some things that are challenging for me as a mom to write in about. One is talking to kids about things we’re also scared about (for me - climate change, political environment) and how to be honest with them while also not scaring them more. Sorry, that’s a heavy one!”
This is such a good question. Every question I have received is such a good question, and every time I get a prompt, my initial thought is always: “I have no idea.” Turns out “wisest is she who knows she does not know” is true. Thank you Socrates, for affirming that I am full of wisdom because I know I don’t know. Remind me why I thought I could dish out advice? I have started to think of this more as a “musings column” rather than an advice column, as I just have to start writing and see if I ever get anywhere useful ten pages into my subconscious. Also, it is actually terrifying to think of telling people what to do and being listened to–what if you are wrong or piss somebody off? Oh well, I guess. It is good to practice being wrong and good to practice pissing people off, so I persist.
I needed to look for outside help on this question, because engaging with things that scare me is not something that I do well. I exercise well, I eat well, I prioritize my sleep exceptionally well. I empathize well with my kids and have even found myself enjoying them lately. I have found some balance in my life. But I do not look under the bed at the monsters. I do not read the news. I don’t start hard conversations with my kids about big topics. Probably because I couldn’t even think about them myself for such a long time, when my first baby was new and the world felt so very scary and my heart felt so exposed. I couldn’t breathe when I thought about all the threats to him. So I stopped listening to the threats; I shut out the news and I deliberately protected my thoughtlife from the media so I could show up for him without the added anxiety on my face of a frightening political climate and a warming world. I just didn’t think I could function if I didn’t dramatically shrink my circle of concern; that was necessary for me at the time. I was shooting for bare survival. Many of my dear friends and family have gone about this differently.
I have some incredible movers and shakers in my circle, let me tell you! But that isn’t my calling or my gift or what energizes me: I am the Mediocre Mother, doing the dang best I can just to get through the day. I still hide if the words “meeting” or “action item” or “agenda” come anywhere near me, even as related to things I believe in or care about. So I asked two of my wise mama friends who take these things head-on for their input, fully admitting it is not my ummm, point of expertise, shall we say. I prefer living with my head stuffed in the nearest sandbox. I am just the very eeensy teensiest bit peeved that my guest writers both had the audacity to mention that we are all going to die at some point. This cannot be true, can it? I am an American consumer with commercial purchasing power, surely there’s a group or product or subscription I can pay for where I don’t have to succumb to this fate? Apparently not. Bah Humbug. Please find some preliminary thoughts of my own, followed by two wonderful reflections from two mothers who are really intentional about engaging with the beautiful and broken reality of the world.
The Mediocre Mother’s first thought in response to this important question is that being aware of your child’s age, developmental stage, and temperament is the primary consideration. As a caregiver, you are in charge of not only your child’s physical safety, but their emotional safety as well. Children need to have a foundation of security (which is created by their caregiver/s) as the base from which to grow, so age-appropriate engagement with difficult topics is really important. It is our most fundamental job as caregivers to ensure their physical and emotional safety and create a small world for them that is indeed safe and somewhat predictable as best as we are able and in relation to their developmental stage. Later, of course, they will find out this safe world stuff is a total lie, but their feeling of safety and security as an infant and small child is essential for healthy development. It is also what will ultimately lead to their ability to engage with hard things in a productive manner. Thus, we needn’t introduce all the darkness and ugliness of humanity too early on in their little lives. And why would we want to? Kids have the rest of their lives to contend with all of that, and in my humble opinion, an early childhood of innocence is worth preserving and a gift to give to your children.
I remember a time my mom came to visit me when I was a freshman in college, and we went out to dinner to talk about how things were going. I was angry with her. I had been going to every talk, documentary, and class about the wars, genocides, politics and threats that a campus offered and feeling betrayed that the small world I grew up in was a lie; I was processing a perception (and what felt like truth) that all humans were either evil, doomed, complicit, or powerless. I asked her “Why didn’t you tell me? You knew how violent and ugly and unjust and messed up everything is, and you didn’t tell me.” She answered: “You weren’t ready.” I see the wisdom of this now. It was a gift my parents gave us to have a somewhat protected and innocent childhood. It was not protected from the hard stuff of friendships, disappointment, envy, addressing our own problems at school or in sports, or talking about things going on in the world, but it was somewhat protected from those really big picture, out of control things; the ones that cause underlying anxiety and a constant vague fear of an unknown, future, dark thing or by taking in all of the ways people and the earth are exploited, killed, and mistreated either systemically or through random acts of violence. I appreciate this childhood protection now, even though I didn’t at the time because it was so painful to feel it hitting all at once, and it was frustrating to have to reorder my worldview.
Welcome to adulthood, right, where pain and frustration and reordering our worldview are the paths to growth. And of course, at the time, I needed someone to blame for the pain. . . MY MOTHER! Don’t worry, I moved past that pretty quickly, but it is noticeably humorous in retrospect. My anger has shifted to understanding and gratitude in retrospect, as it has with many things that were painful, disappointing, and paradigm-shifting at the time.
I also would posit that I don’t see anxiety or fear necessarily leading to constructive action, which I imagine is the outcome we would want from our children as they mature and are confronted with these issues. So we must consider the how, when, how much, etc. of these conversations and what the fruit of it is–hope, concern, and empathy, or anxiety and fear. Anxiety and fear can be paralyzing and lead to a shutting down, a freeze reaction; that is certainly the case for me when I hit overwhelm. But compassion, empathy, love of earth and respect of neighbor; these can be encouraged on the small scale with kids, and I believe are ultimately what will lead to caring about bigger issues as they mature.
They will find out the world is broken, but it must be when they are ready. I think a big reason we had an extra long innocent incubation period was that we had no TV growing up (and it was before the web!), so there wasn’t the constant stream of violence and destruction in the background of what is supposed to be your safe place: the home. Access to the brokenness of the world should be considered; wouldn’t you prefer they learn from you or a trusted teacher? If we elect for the news to be on, or for kids to have a phone or unsupervised access to the internet, that means we are okay with them having a sensationalized and politicized presentation of all the natural and human-caused ways things can go horribly, unfiltered through the conversational container of a parent. Are we there next to them, ready to unpack and answer and reflect their emotions back to them or is just part of the background? Children’s brains are not fully formed till like 25-27 years old, so expecting them to handle all the threats of the world as their brain is forming doesn’t seem realistic. My brain is formed, and I can’t handle the brokenness of the world.
I don’t think we as humans evolved to handle it as it is now; we evolved to see and feel threats we could react to. Thus, we are having emotional reactions to threats we read about, but there is nowhere to run, no way to fight, no reaction we can conceive of, and we have an epidemic of anxiety as our stress and fear settles down into our body. In my mind, shifting from a delivery of despair to an age-appropriate conversation about things like human’s impact on the world around them and what we can do to be part of the solution makes sense. There you go, the MM’s thoughts. But to balance out all of my couching and warning and urges to preserve innocence, I am excited to share the other side of this, found in the following reflections from mothers that I look up to and learn from. They push me to go beyond my own comfort zone and inclination to preserve innocence toward the places that scare me. I have already grown from their words and feel more prepared (and compelled) to confront with my kids what I would rather not confront myself. The rest of the words are theirs. Read on.
Love,
MM
Wise Mother Friend One: Difficult question. My immediate thought went to the drawing my 5 year-old created 2 months ago: “Momma, this is a picture of the animals that evolve after humans go extinct!” Guess I've mentioned that possibility a few [too many?] times. Interestingly, the idea of human extinction seems to bother my children far less than adults. To my kids, who find prehistoric mass extinctions fascinating and a part of earth's story, eventual human extinction seems logical. But, of course, it has been important to me that my children also recognize that the current damage to the planet is caused by us. My hope is to present our changing planet to my children with the conviction that how we choose to live can help or hurt our planet, and humans could make real, positive, and lasting changes to reduce and even reverse environmental destruction. Of course, my thoughts on the matter definitely include a spiritual element that wouldn't necessarily be relatable for everyone. Perhaps I can summarize these ideas with two words I hope to instill in my children on this topic: hope and responsibility.
Wise Mother Friend Two: Our children are little sponges and will pick up on what is a source of fear, shame, or what is unresolved or complicated for us as their primary caretakers. They also will absorb (and thus do need protection from) what they are exposed to in the news, from their peers, and the cultural zeitgeist. You are already on the right track in wondering about and identifying, “What am I scared of and why?” and “What triggers me?” The next step is, as you have capacity, and from a place of self-love and compassion, to start digging deeper. If we ourselves have grappled with, processed, and grieved what feels difficult and scary and upsetting (or rather, are on a good-ish and stable-ish path with it), then the story we tell, for example how we frame the climate crisis, or nuclear war, or scary politics, and, above all, most fundamentally, our own death, will be communicated to and shape our children as they craft their own story. As Wise Mother One points out, this is where a spiritual grounding (hope and responsibility!), or at least a general faith in and affirmation of life, can be very powerful.
Whatever guiding lights you give them (and yourself) will thus be a gift. Even without a religious background, I find the following to be a helpful framing, as children ask “deep” and difficult questions, using words like "believe" "trust" "hope" "perhaps" (rather than "know") and in a way that is authentic to you and your belief system, starting with death, but eventually acknowledging suffering and war and pain, too….sharing our attempts and limitations in trying to understand or make sense of hard things.
“We will all die someday. Death is mysterious, almost like a portal or door into what is next, the closest word we have for it is love, source, God…maybe like a birth or a new beginning. Who knows, perhaps when you were born you came from somewhere else? We -your parents- believe we stay connected to those we love who die, a grandparent, a pet. We trust they are not gone! We can wave to them, talk to them, dream of them, “Hello, I miss you, thanks for loving me. Please be with me.”
On growing up in a difficult and “scary” world: Life has always been difficult, scary, fragile, fleeting. There is always movement and change, another turn of the wheel in how life continues and evolves and the universe expands and stars are born and die, even if humans do go extinct! Don't you wish you could be a fly on the wall to see planet earth and the universe in a million years? Or see your very great-great grandchildren or those humans to come in 200 years? We can speak to our kids about what to expect and aspire to and be excited about (including the hard parts) as they grow into young people, adults, elders, and even ancestors. It is a gift to your child to help them discover what they enjoy and are good at and might like as a vocation, a “calling” in how we/they serve, and love, and work for necessary change. Or discussing as a family something like: “The cultural norms and messaging are around having money and prestige, but our family believes. . . (insert the answer for your family here)” and “How do we live in a good way in our family and alongside our community? What does that look like?”
On telling the truth and accountability: for me, we can’t truly understand and address climate change without identifying and healing through truth and reconciliation, humility, and to use a biblical word, repentance. We need to examine where the original wounds are, principally in this country, that of slavery and indigenous oppression and genocide, the colonial project, land abuse and profiteering, and their current iterations. Importantly, this does NOT have to be a guilt trip, but more of a discovery project, and above all, practicing growing our awareness and getting better at telling the truth. As much as we identify the difficult truths in our history and culture, we uplift and celebrate what is beautiful in our ancestral stories and current family life, rituals, faith traditions; a big project, so much has been lost for many of this, even planting a few seeds is amazing! In the words of Selena Mills, “It is about slowly and consistently helping them wade through 500 years of colonization and oppression, while still raising happy, resilient humans who are proud of ALL their cultural roots as mixed kids. It might even be about raising a new generation of community leaders, rising in solidarity with all of their relations.”
Doing this work with kids does not have to, and shouldn’t, feel like a chore. If it does, shift over to what might be preventing you from feeling good and whole (how might I feel better in my life and my body right now?)…..and that might just be the path you are on now, if so, that is beautiful and good, stay with that, and something surprising might bloom. I have found this article titled “Dreaming Accountability” and mind-frame really helpful; that accountability itself is desirable and can feel right and good, beginning with accountability to self, understood as what is nurturing and loving and taking care of our own needs, then expanding spheres of accountability to family/community/world (and yes, as the Mediocre Mother speaks too with a nice dose of hilarity, at times even self-care feels impossible, much less this work, and we would like the messenger -ahem that would be me- to go step in dog poop).
I also recommend age-appropriate learning and education on earth-care or nature connection, cultivating a love of place and sense of place by getting kids outside more to play and explore and use all their senses and also teaching reciprocity and generosity. Perhaps a prayer or blessing before eating. An example: “We give deep and reverent thanks for the gift of life, for this animal that is a food animal for humans, for this plant that is a plant animal for humans, we reflect that we too will be food animals for microscopic life to grow and thrive, and provide nutrients to trees and other life, when we die, continuing this beautiful and mysterious circle of life.” I probably would never get away with trying to offer this blessing at dinner without protest and grumbling, but it is a vision to begin with and then the reality of life with kids will take over in practice.
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Further Recommend Resources:
Healing Grounds: Book, by Liz Carlisle
Dreaming Accountability Essay, Mia Mingus: https://leavingevidence.wordpress.com/2019/05/05/dreaming-accountability-dreaming-a-returning-to-ourselves-and-each-other/
We Can Do Hard Things podcasts (let’s talk about death):
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-one-question-to-finally-let-go-of-control-with-alok/id1564530722?i=1000650445707 AND https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/276-dan-levys-good-news-no-one-knows-what-theyre-doing/id1564530722?i=1000643473155
Families for a Livable Climate and The Changing Times:
Ministry for the Future: by Kim Stanley Robinson
Recommended by Wise Mother One: “I think it's a valuable and rather hopeful read about climate change. A futuristic, but conceivable novel about our planet. Reading it gave me a more hopeful voice when I talk about climate change with my kids. If you read it, push through the first few depressing chapters, and it becomes more hopeful.”
Braiding Sweetgrass: by Robin Wall Kimmerer
Recommended by Wise Mother Two: “We can teach or nurture a connection to life/nature through the language we use; moving away from "it"/objectifying to naming life as beings. For young kids, it is very natural to see plants and animals and landmarks/places as friends. Bird is not "it" but our bird friend or sweet little brown songbird. Even the mosquitoes are food animals for bats and frogs, so we thank them too, even though they are annoying to humans! (Considering all life and ecologies, not just humans). Beings in nature might be our teacher, our mentor, our elder, our friend. Robin Wall Kimmerer has beautiful writing on this in Braiding Sweetgrass.”
The Terrible Costs of a Phone-Based Childhood: “The environment in which kids grow up today is hostile to human development.” Article from the Atlantic.